Closing the Blog

So I realized I have not written a post in quite some time. I will be honest recovery takes so much out of you.  All that extra time you have to watch tv, read a book, write a blog post, is taken up with by healing, recovering and trying to retrain your behavior from what it was for the last 5 months.  What do I mean by this, think about it, for 5 months I was thinking about the horrible event, negative thoughts, bracing myself for disappointment, or bracing for the next issue that would arise.  So now I spend most of my extra time trying to think positively, repeat to myself that we are blessed, talk to groups about our experiences and what we did to move forward etc.

I was speaking to my mentor last week and I started telling him about how I bumped into a colleague of mine on campus who had not heard about our “journey”.  I begin telling her about the tornado and the events that followed and I started crying, I couldn’t help it, that emotion just came up out of nowhere.  My mentor told me that I was still suffering from PTSD, still to this day after all the good thing that have happened I was still having emotional distress.  I only share this because I wonder how much people realize what really happens to their fellow beings when tragedy occurs.  We had a national speaker on campus last week who began telling us about the tornado and how it ripped through Tuscaloosa, and how many people died, and on and on.  Did I mention he was from Seattle?  Seattle!  I have that all the time those that were not here who feel like they should tell me about the event and what happened to the town.  I have had a certain family member who is still doing it. If I ain’t crazy yet I soon will be!

So for the last 2 months Bobby and I have done a lot of great healing things.  We got the house as many of you have already read and boy have we been busy!  We have changed the floors, painted everything, fixed the bathroom, fixed the kitchen, and trying to clean the yard up (previous owners were not really yard people).  We have been purging like crazy!  The piles consist of damaged, donate, and oh my god why do we still have this and what irony it survived the tornado.  Our life is completely different now, our house doesn’t even resemble the same house we had 6 months ago.  We have changed as a couple and as individuals.  We have cut ties with some and created stronger bonds with other.  I am working for a new department and loving every minute of it.  I have created new working relationships and am currently trying to give back to my community and to those that helped us the most. 

Every day I meet a student who gives me chill bumps when sharing their stories.  Every day I have tears well up to see what we as a university can do to help our students.  This is the University that I remember this is the University I fell in love with 8 years ago.  I have missed you!

Today I drove by one of the most damaged sections of Tuscaloosa.  The 4 block neighborhood that was wiped clean from this earth in less than 20 minutes is now a beautiful meadow with wild flowers and bright green grass.  It is gorgeous and rich with life. It sits right in the middle of Tuscaloosa.  My heart was at peace for the first time driving by that area today.

It is time to close this blog I think.  We are not healed completely but we are at a new normal.  We are at a new phase in our lives. We have survived, with have thrived, and we have given back.  It took a tornado to change things but in the end I think they are for the better and we are grateful.

Final Count Down to Normal

Almost 3 months out since the tornado.  Someone said the other day it is sad how Tuscaloosa residents are now saying post tornado or before the tornado when talking about time frames.  Almost like post-war stories.  The city has become like fields of dirt over the last few weeks with so much debris being cleared.  Our city council has finally brought forth a plan of action to rebuild and I am hopeful all those waiting on building permits will not be waiting much longer.  I know there has been so much controversy over what will be done with the land that has been cleared.  Will it become commercial, will it become condos, and will apartments rule the borders of the university.  I, for one, am glad to see the city put its foot down and left much of the residential area that was destroyed as residential.  I would hate to see the town become non-family friendly and put up even more apartments then we have students.  I know some people wanted condos and apartments and commercial areas but that would make all the residence have to go out to the county just to find housing.  I think our Major is doing an excellent job and he is really hearing what the residences of Tuscaloosa want.  Kudos to you Major Maddox!

Our body shop for the cars I think is screening my calls.  I don’t have proof yet but they can’t all be at lunch from 10-4!  The truck is in the shop indefinitely and the old ford now needs new breaks and has stalled like a million times.  Thanks Bob! Way to go there.  Still not angry, ok maybe a little angry.  We might just have to figure out how to get another rental car; I can’t stand the idea of Bobby driving that thing back and forth to Birmingham anymore.  I would drive it but I am not very good at a manual and I can’t even push the clutch down it’s so stiff.  My car is still acting very peculiar and needs a lot more body work before I can say its fixed but it is running and the air is working so I suppose I have absolutely no room to complain.

I start my new job August 1^st.  I am extremely excited about it.  I hope I am doing the right thing, I think I am doing the right thing.  I have to be doing the right thing, right? Funny thing about that tornado, it makes you want to either jump ship or persevere through things.  I decided the job wasn’t worth it and my academic career was so here’s to a new chapter; let’s hope it opens many doors!

I start back to school this August.  You might remember I decided that it was just too much to take with school, work, and recovery. I am definitely jumping back on the horse full swing with full-time coursework. It should be very interesting Qual 3, Philosophy of Education, and an Independent-Pilot Study.  I have my work cut out for me this coming semester.  I have to remember to order books!  It feels like I have been out of school a very long time for some reason.  To tell you the truth everything feels like it was so long ago.  I have to remind myself it has only been 3 months but it feels like it has been twice that long. 

Speaking of time, a reflection if you will bear with me.  I want to tell everyone that patience is key to recovery, not just for us here in Tuscaloosa but for so many others around the country dealing with disasters.  We are a society of very inpatient, immediate gratification citizens, I don’t point fingers I just call it like I see it.  I wish this was like a movie or video game and in the blink of an eye everything is back to normal but in reality I don’t think this city will be back to normal for a few years.  Garbage pick-up, utility services, cable, transportation services, contractors, stores, etc. they are all overloaded still even 3 months out.  Try and be patient with us, we are working as fast as we can to recover! For those not affected by the disaster, yes we are still talking about it.  I think that is healthy, at least for now.  Now if I am still talking about this in a year you might need to tell me to shut up but for now we are positive, looking toward the future, and finding resources in our daily tornado chats.

Ok enough of that.  So, Bobby and I are doing well.  Actually very well all things considered.  We are still staying at the hotel, Bobby has had to work late most every evening since we signed on the house, and every evening we are over there doing something.  We are stressed, not talking very much but I think things will get better soon.  We are on auto pilot mode right now.  Overwhelmed, sleep deprived, and broke, but positive that things are getting back to normal; we can see it it’s just outside our reach but we can see it.

I had to go back to the orthopedic surgeon last week, my back finally gave out.  I knew it was going to happen, with sleeping on the floor, air mattresses, and a bad hotel mattress, not to mention all the bending and lifting. Megan went with me, which was great because I hate going. It wasn’t too bad 3 X-rays and a diagnosis of inflamed nerves. Not much to do but give me steroids and pain meds.  Too dangerous to do surgery near those rods and I am not even in the mood to contemplate another back surgery.  So Bobby got to enjoy me hulking out for a few days while I was on a serious dose of steroids to get the swelling down.  Yeh for him, ha!

Update on FEMA: not a damn thing!

Stay tuned for more on the house and our return to normal, here on the Becky soap-opera channel- queue cheesy music.

If your ever in a tornado

So here we are closing on a house Friday July 15^th. I haven’t even begun to think of how much money we will be spending in the next few weeks.  Closing cost, putting in a fence, replacing the old appliances, fixing the floors, and painting are all costs we are going to have to pay in just a week or two. No wonder so many people rent!  Gives me a panic attack just thinking about it.  Don’t get me wrong I am excited and can’t wait to get out of that horrible hotel room, but I have this feeling like the rugs going to be pulled out from under us at any minute.  Here at school we call that the imposter syndrome for all us graduate students who are secretly waiting for someone to find out that we really are not that smart and someone made a huge mistake accepting  us into a doc program (no joke we have a name for it).

So what can I tell you about the house?  Well, it’s a little smaller then our rental house but because it is just the two of us I don’t think we need as much room.  It has 4 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms.  It is a galley kitchen with a breakfast area.  A formal dining area and a living room with a fireplace; it’s a ranch style home so all one level.  The back yard is huge but mostly wild with a huge hill that drops to a creek (Bobby seems to be very excited about this, not sure why).  We are replacing the flooring in the living room, hall, and dining room.  The kitchen linoleum is all cut up so we are having to replace that.  The sellers had 3 little girls and boy did they do a number on the floor and walls; not to mention the guest rooms are all colored in hot pink, pastel yellow, and lime green.  We have a lot of painting to do.  The house was built in 1991 and the appliances are original, everything is gold in the house (yuck!) and there is not a complete fence in the back for the dogs.  Lots of appointments are needed to be made.  We are thinking we can get everything started next week and hopefully be sleeping under our new roof by next Saturday July 23^rd (fingers crossed). Now to remember where everything has been stored at, looking on the bright side we are not having to move as much stuff, an advantage of a tornado, it requires you to do a lot of purging.  My sweet sweet sweet hairdresser is giving us mattresses and a washer dryer so we are not having to cut that into our shrinking budget which is fabulous! Overall if we can make it past the next 2 weeks we might actually be hitting the downward slope to recovery!  Anyone have a four piece table set they want to get rid of?  Thought I would ask.

I will be starting my new job August 1^st.  I get to work from home mostly so that will be very strange.  I am worried I will get lonely being a people person; I will have to make sure I do not become a hermit.  I already have assignments to start working on, projects to develop, events to coordinate, and research to do, so no rest for the weary.  I am super excited about the new job but very sad to be leaving my current position.  I put so much into that program it will definitely be hard to say goodbye when the time comes.  Something about a tornado and the aftermath just made both Bobby and I reexamine our life and where it was heading.  I knew I had to change things for myself and for my career.

Bobby finally read the blog, I know right, way to stay informed there hubby (lol).  He has decided to take over the FEMA argument from me.  That’s probably the best thing; I might end up in jail for harassment. Maybe he can get somewhere with them.  Overall we calculated that we are still in the hole over $10,000 and can prove it; let’s see if FEMA even attempts to help with that, I am not holding my breath. 

The cars are still in and out of the shop but are working so that’s another wonderful thing.  Bobby is still driving the old truck right now, I am trying to get the body shop to give us a loaner so he can at least have air conditioning.  I worry he is going to have a heat stroke soon.  His truck will stay in the shop until its completely fixed and then mine will go back in to fix the remaining damages.  We have lost a lot of value in the cars and our insurance apparently doesn’t cover loss of value (that’s a separate policy).  So just a little hint, if you live in the state of Alabama, the $10 or so a month for an additional policy for loss of value on your vehicle might be worth it, just saying.

Experiencing Normal things for a change

You know after all this is over I need to write a book; it will entitled something like Not Your Parent’s Marriage: How to Survive a Young Marriage in a Divorcing World. (It most definitely has to have a colon).  I don’t know, just, I am so proud of us, we are working through all this in stride and learning more and more about each other every day.  Yes we have been together 8 years but still so much goes unnoticed until things like the tornado happen.  I guess in a way we are lucky, people can go their whole lives married to someone and not see who they truly are or what they are capable of in times of crisis.

Ok so random thoughts on paper, check.  Now what’s going on with us?  We have a Post office box which is nice, no more standing in line for an hour to check our mail each week.  I have become obsessed with coupons.  I quit my job.  We are still waiting on Bobby’s truck to get fixed, and we are finally starting to get to experience normal things like baby showers, haircuts, going to the movies. 

What...oh, quitting my job, yeh I figured you would catch that.  Yes I quit my job, come on you all knew it was coming, can you blame me. Ok well maybe not all of you knew it was coming but let’s just say that after re-examining my life this was not where I needed to be or wanted to be, or could even handle being.  I lasted so very long and I am proud of that, I am proud of what I accomplished there and I am proud of what I learned.  A great mentor once told me that everything is a learning experience.  Positive and Negatives.  Do not fret I am not suddenly unemployed, I was smart enough to wait it out until an opportunity arouse, and boy did it!  I am going to be truthful here I am leaving the world of full-time professional staff status (my friend pointed out I am still coping with this loss of status) and returning to the world of graduate student workmanship.   It’s a little different though, I get business cards, I get to work from home, I get to have an official title, and I get to be completely in charge of a very wonderful program on campus!  Its part-time, tuition paid, and even though techniquely I am taking a pay cut each month in my paycheck I am actually getting a pay raise because I don’t have to cover any of my tuition anymore.  Trying to find a couple thousand dollars each semester was really stripping that whole budget to bare bones. So, overall as Bobby and I figured, I am actually getting a pay raise of $300 a year (ha!).  I cried over this decision, I prayed over this decision, I asked all my friends, I even text one in Virginia because I decided that what her answer was going to be was the way I needed to go (kind of like the magic 8 ball).  It has been hard to add another change to my life but hey it’s worth it and in a month or two after I freak out about how little money we have in our checking account each month I think I will be ok. 

I know right now you are thinking wait! She is trying to buy a house, recover from tornado losses, and afford school.  Yeh I might be crazy but we are closing on a house July 15^th we have been approved and we already budgeted the mortgage payment into our monthly bills.  I mean when you have been paying rent for over 8 years it’s not that hard. We were responsible adults and refused to buy a house for $200,000.  We have gotten some back from the insurance company to help buffer the cost of replacing a lot of stuff and the UA donation was a big help to cover all the additional cost.  FEMA, well FEMA isn’t much help but I figured after I sent them the condemned report a few weeks back and said their inspector who thought the house was safe should revisit training- well I doubt they took that very kindly (what…it was therapy…I rather enjoyed sending that fax).

Hello Again, its been a while

Hello, it’s been a while.  I will be honest it got overwhelming.  Everything, insurance, hotel living, no car, bad car, more car damage, finding house, trying to find money, etc etc. was piling up along with school and work and I stopped communicating. I am better now although I have had to make a few adjustments to keep from getting overwhelmed again. 

I was trying to give you a synopsis week by week of what has happened since the tornado but at this point it all is starting to blur together.  I can say that 2 ½ months have gone by we are still in a hotel and still having our cars worked on.  We have made progress with the property portion of our claim and insurance is finally picking up the tab on our hotel bill so things have improved considerably. Physically and materialistically we are much much better but emotionally well that’s a whole other story.

We moved out of our friends’ house about 1 ½ weeks in not wanting to stay out our welcome and realizing that Bobby and I were not communicating as a married couple.  We were fighting, not speaking, not sharing, and getting angry with each other for not being telepathic.  Our friends who are wonderful (Jackson and Megan we love you dearly!) begged us to stay but for the sake of our marriage and the sake of our friendship we moved into what was probably the only hotel room left in town (at least by the cost that is what I would imagine).  We lived in this hotel room for about a week before we could be relocated to a bigger room with a fridge and microwave.  That’s where we are still to this day, spread out with piles of stuff in each corner.  You know those dressers and closet racks no one ever uses when on vacation because you just live out of a suitcase, yeh well we are actually using them, I fold clothes, hang clothes, organize shoes, for now its home.  It’s a little odd but it’s a normal routine that we were desperately seeking.

During the time between my last post and now we got a rental car for about 3 weeks while my car was in the shop and Bobby was able to still drive the truck around.  The money was donated to us by my mom’s work, they took up a collection.  We were overwhelmed with gratitude at the kindness they showed us.  The rental car helped a lot, I was able to run more errands, claim a little bit of freedom, and even travel home to see my family and our dogs.  It was all working out perfectly the rental car we thought would cover us until both cars were fixed and then we wouldn’t need any help with cars after that.  However the body shop had other plans, they had my car 5 weeks and still didn’t fix it, it’s still damaged but its drivable so out it went and in went the truck.  We desperately needed another vehicle.  My sweet sister-n-law was going to china around this time so we were hoping to use her car.  My in-laws had other plans for it and we were going to have to find other means.  I was going to have to start bumming rides again.  Finally our in-laws decided to loan us a car (they have like 5) sadly and almost poetically it was the old ford ranger that my husband drove for years before getting his truck.  The thing is on its last leg, brakes are bad, and no air conditioning. Bobby is a trooper really he is, he took it, didn’t complain and is now driving it back and forth about 120 miles a day to Birmingham.  It is the hottest summer on record, did I mention it doesn’t have air!  Your reading this thinking I am angry aren’t you?  Well I am not angry I am confused.  The truck might be done this week fingers crossed and then mine will go back in for (fingers crossed) only a week.  It will be so nice to have two reliable working vehicles again.  I know, silly Americans so dependent on our cars but really, its independence that comes with having a means of transportation.  Something we have been fighting to regain this whole time!

So what else can I tell you??... Our stuff is in a storage unit at a premium price right now, we are working full time and after a few nervous breakdowns and seeking medical help I was convinced to withdraw from classes this summer.  I still have panic attacks when I hear the test sirens and I cry when I drive through Alberta and 15^th street.  I have driven by the house on several occasions with a sense of longing.  I can’t sleep at all partly because of my back and the pain the rods are causing but partly because my mind is still racing at 100 mph.  I have dr. apts for all the above but like any good physicians office they can’t see me for 3 weeks.

It’s not all doom and gloom I promise.  We are so much better, each week it gets better.  I promise I am not this negative, usually people are always wondering how I can be so happy all the time (I usually smile and laugh and say medication, but really I have a very positive attitude most the time).  We do have some positive things to report.  We are getting a new home!  We were approved for a home loan for disaster victims and are now purchasing a home in Northport, AL.  We close July 15^th. We did get the insurance to pay for the cars, personal property, and the University donated money to our family to help with outside costs.  Our extended family (both mine and Bobby’s) and my parents have been absolutely fantastic and understanding and going out of the way to help us any way they can. I have so many thank you notes to write!  I am hoping to continue the blog more regularly, fill in some blanks, and keep everyone posted on the new place, and the new changes in our life.  So much to tell!

2 weeks after the storm

I wanted to say that when I started writing, it was from the beginning, things that I remember, wrote down at the time, and/or rehash over and over in my head.  I am hoping that at some point there will be an ending.  We are currently 5 week and 4 days out from the storm.  Granted we are still homeless, and one car down but we are sheltered, clothed, well fed, and have reliable transportation. We are working, going to school, and even finding time write a blog. The city is still badly damaged and as best I can describe it is that the local government, our community citizens, and local businesses are acting as a band aid holding this big gaping wound together.  I still cry most every day, sometimes twice a day. I drive through the damaged section several times a day, looking for any sign of new construction or clean-up.  AND as much as I hate to, I have to remind people that I am a survivor and still not up to 100 % yet.  I hate being vulnerable and I hate having to remind people but they forget so easily.

So back to the story I suppose.  Thank goodness we were still looking for rental houses when we found out the first one was rented out from under us. This next house was not as well suited for us but at this point we didn’t care, it was good enough. It did need a few things done to it before we could move in but the guy seemed willing to do this.  We started an application and planned on trying to get things moved in within 2 weeks or so.  The storage unit was rented so we were able to have a temporary place to store our belongings.  Finally, some peace for our busy minds, our concentration could go towards arguing with the insurance company, FEMA, and our leasing agent.  Here we were 2 weeks out and our insurance company had not contacted us at all about our belongings claims. 

The cars were still damaged.  Mine went to the body shop the Monday after the storm.  It would be 3 weeks before they could get to it and tell whether or not the frame was cracked making it impossible to repair.  I had no choice but to leave it there, it was not safe to drive.  It had been two weeks now since I left it with them and they still could not tell me if it was too badly damaged to repair. Bobby was back at work and had to take our one means of transportation to Birmingham each day so I was relying on rides to and from work.  Don’t get me wrong it was nice to have an excuse to be around people that loved and supported us but with the large amount of errands I needed to run each day while Bobby was in Birmingham I felt I might start testing the limit of my chauffeurs’ kindness.  We didn’t have the money for a rental car we made do with what we could.

Sometime during this week things went south at work for me. I would love to write a detailed account of it all but seeing as how I still need a job I can only say that the events that followed drove me to a nervous breakdown on an elevator at my building.  I was mortified; I felt like running away, I began to wonder what the job market was like in Colorado. I thought for sure I would end up unemployed, or even worse sent to the Looney Ben.  After several discussion with several of my bosses (yes I have like 5 of them) it was determined I would move to another building.  So here I am having to cope with a huge amount of change already and taking on one more huge change for the summer sent my psych splitting in several directions.  I know these people had to think by now I was absolutely out of my mind!  From this point out I was in a constant state of confusion, I didn’t know when I was moving, how my job would change, why no one was talking to me about each step, was I being punished, was I being helped, what had I done wrong, what did I need to do to prepare, what was going to happen to stuff, what would my new work home look like.  Oh god I couldn’t sleep, all I could think about was work, I had my life falling apart around me and all I could think about was doing my job and what was going to happen to me there.

So all this was going on with work, we were living at a friend’s house on an air mattress.  We were down to one car but we were positive we would be able to sign a lease within a few days for a new rental house.  We were weary of the house, it wasn’t anything like our old house, it was more expensive, and it was in a completely different location. So for the love of god why did we go to the bank!  I look back on some of these decisions and think, am I glutton for punishment, am I trying to have myself committed?  We went to the bank, we thought what the hell, here we are going to have to pay a larger rental payment for a smaller house and we had already been treated as second class citizens because we were renters what is the harm in just talking with someone.  So there we were sitting at the bank talking with a loan officer about applying for a mortgage with the FHA program for disaster victims.  After the countless times we had tried before I assumed it would be like any other time, we would be told no.  My student loans were too high, the credit scores were not high enough to compensate, etc. etc. etc. I braced myself for the bad news, thinking why am I putting myself through this.  The bad news didn’t come; the loan officer seemed hopeful, confident that we could get a loan.  I was in a state of euphoria; I didn’t know what to think.  Here we were ready to sign a lease, we knew we would be in Tuscaloosa at least 3 to 4 more years and we just threw another wrench in the pile.  We gave the loan officer all our information and said we would compile the necessary paperwork as soon as possible.  We had to make the biggest decision of our marriage within a matter of hours.  Should we go ahead with trying for  home loan and lose what we felt was probably the only opportunity we had to find suitable housing or should we just sign the lease and put this one time chance out of our minds. Stay tuned for the next episode of drama in south…..3 weeks after the storm.

PS.  I am sure so many of you were very worried about our local Starbucks like I was.  I am happy to inform you that after about 6 weeks of no store they are finally back open.  They were very diligent in serving their customers from a trailer and I thank them profusely for doing so.

Still Refugees

Days turned into a whole week as we searched for housing and spent god awful amount of time on hold with the insurance company, FEMA, our leasing agent, etc.  Our insurance wanted to know what was being done with the house, our leasing agent had to know what their insurance was going to say.  It went round and round in circles like this for days.

At this point much of Tuscaloosa was trying to get back to normal and the University was in full swing.  Bobby and I returned to work the following week to find mostly warm receptions and support.  We felt terrible for not being at work and even worse when people wanted us to track our time once we returned.  So many people we work with or encounter on a daily basis were not affected by the storm, many didn’t even know what had happened to Tuscaloosa. I understand we had to push forward and keep going but I wasn’t ready, I wasn’t prepared to leave all those memories behind just yet.  I felt I was in a twilight zone, I was told my personal problems should not get in the way of work, I was told that we must move forward and not let this hinder progress, I felt I was the only sane person there who understood the devastation that lay just blocks away from my place of employment. Driving through it every day not being able to find my way to the work on the roads I normally took because the landmarks were gone and I was lost was constant and real for me, I couldn’t comprehend how others could dismiss the tragedy.  I was angry, appalled, and saddened by the lack of sympathy that so many showed toward this tragedy.  Don’t get me wrong, the University as a whole has been amazing and the level of support from so many departments have been outstanding and encouraging.  Isn’t that why we are here?  We are the community right?  I had hoped so, that’s why I work here; I just wish everyone felt like that.

Trying to maintain control over my job responsibilities and my independence was very hard that first week returning to work.  I wanted to share everything with everyone but I also had this feeling of being exposed and dependent.  I didn’t realize how private a person I really was or how much I value my independence until it was all taken away from me.  I wanted so badly to share everything with everyone when they seemed so concerned about me yet I also desperately wanted my privacy.  So much conflict internally and externally my psych was crumbling.  I cried every day for hours, sometimes because of nothing at all, sometimes because of a thought, and then sometimes by something someone said. Everything was moving to slow and to fast at the same time nothing was getting fixed but nothing was getting worse.  Again being in the twilight zone was all I kept thinking about, this wasn’t real it was all a dream.

The week passed and we had not found a storage unit nor a home to rent.  We had been looking and had leads on rental houses but nothing was working out.  So many of the properties were destroyed and others not available until August.  We found one house that was perfect, it was huge, we could have Bobby’s siblings live with us for another year and we all could save money.  I liked the idea of not being alone, I had come to be very dependent on people being around every hour of the day.  We were going to sign a lease and be able to move in 2 weeks later.  Hurray things were looking up!  I called back on Monday to tell the agent we were headed down to bring the deposit.  The agent with no empathy or care told us that sorry someone rented it this morning.  How could this have happened we were bringing the deposit down on Monday we told him we would, how could he just rent it out from under us.  What had the world come to!  He said an insurance company called that morning and put a full deposit and a few months rent down on the house, didn’t even want to see it.  I was so angry, heartbroken.  We thought we had a plan, an ending to this story, but no we were still homeless, still refugees in a civilized nation.