Closing the Blog

So I realized I have not written a post in quite some time. I will be honest recovery takes so much out of you.  All that extra time you have to watch tv, read a book, write a blog post, is taken up with by healing, recovering and trying to retrain your behavior from what it was for the last 5 months.  What do I mean by this, think about it, for 5 months I was thinking about the horrible event, negative thoughts, bracing myself for disappointment, or bracing for the next issue that would arise.  So now I spend most of my extra time trying to think positively, repeat to myself that we are blessed, talk to groups about our experiences and what we did to move forward etc.

I was speaking to my mentor last week and I started telling him about how I bumped into a colleague of mine on campus who had not heard about our “journey”.  I begin telling her about the tornado and the events that followed and I started crying, I couldn’t help it, that emotion just came up out of nowhere.  My mentor told me that I was still suffering from PTSD, still to this day after all the good thing that have happened I was still having emotional distress.  I only share this because I wonder how much people realize what really happens to their fellow beings when tragedy occurs.  We had a national speaker on campus last week who began telling us about the tornado and how it ripped through Tuscaloosa, and how many people died, and on and on.  Did I mention he was from Seattle?  Seattle!  I have that all the time those that were not here who feel like they should tell me about the event and what happened to the town.  I have had a certain family member who is still doing it. If I ain’t crazy yet I soon will be!

So for the last 2 months Bobby and I have done a lot of great healing things.  We got the house as many of you have already read and boy have we been busy!  We have changed the floors, painted everything, fixed the bathroom, fixed the kitchen, and trying to clean the yard up (previous owners were not really yard people).  We have been purging like crazy!  The piles consist of damaged, donate, and oh my god why do we still have this and what irony it survived the tornado.  Our life is completely different now, our house doesn’t even resemble the same house we had 6 months ago.  We have changed as a couple and as individuals.  We have cut ties with some and created stronger bonds with other.  I am working for a new department and loving every minute of it.  I have created new working relationships and am currently trying to give back to my community and to those that helped us the most. 

Every day I meet a student who gives me chill bumps when sharing their stories.  Every day I have tears well up to see what we as a university can do to help our students.  This is the University that I remember this is the University I fell in love with 8 years ago.  I have missed you!

Today I drove by one of the most damaged sections of Tuscaloosa.  The 4 block neighborhood that was wiped clean from this earth in less than 20 minutes is now a beautiful meadow with wild flowers and bright green grass.  It is gorgeous and rich with life. It sits right in the middle of Tuscaloosa.  My heart was at peace for the first time driving by that area today.

It is time to close this blog I think.  We are not healed completely but we are at a new normal.  We are at a new phase in our lives. We have survived, with have thrived, and we have given back.  It took a tornado to change things but in the end I think they are for the better and we are grateful.

Final Count Down to Normal

Almost 3 months out since the tornado.  Someone said the other day it is sad how Tuscaloosa residents are now saying post tornado or before the tornado when talking about time frames.  Almost like post-war stories.  The city has become like fields of dirt over the last few weeks with so much debris being cleared.  Our city council has finally brought forth a plan of action to rebuild and I am hopeful all those waiting on building permits will not be waiting much longer.  I know there has been so much controversy over what will be done with the land that has been cleared.  Will it become commercial, will it become condos, and will apartments rule the borders of the university.  I, for one, am glad to see the city put its foot down and left much of the residential area that was destroyed as residential.  I would hate to see the town become non-family friendly and put up even more apartments then we have students.  I know some people wanted condos and apartments and commercial areas but that would make all the residence have to go out to the county just to find housing.  I think our Major is doing an excellent job and he is really hearing what the residences of Tuscaloosa want.  Kudos to you Major Maddox!

Our body shop for the cars I think is screening my calls.  I don’t have proof yet but they can’t all be at lunch from 10-4!  The truck is in the shop indefinitely and the old ford now needs new breaks and has stalled like a million times.  Thanks Bob! Way to go there.  Still not angry, ok maybe a little angry.  We might just have to figure out how to get another rental car; I can’t stand the idea of Bobby driving that thing back and forth to Birmingham anymore.  I would drive it but I am not very good at a manual and I can’t even push the clutch down it’s so stiff.  My car is still acting very peculiar and needs a lot more body work before I can say its fixed but it is running and the air is working so I suppose I have absolutely no room to complain.

I start my new job August 1^st.  I am extremely excited about it.  I hope I am doing the right thing, I think I am doing the right thing.  I have to be doing the right thing, right? Funny thing about that tornado, it makes you want to either jump ship or persevere through things.  I decided the job wasn’t worth it and my academic career was so here’s to a new chapter; let’s hope it opens many doors!

I start back to school this August.  You might remember I decided that it was just too much to take with school, work, and recovery. I am definitely jumping back on the horse full swing with full-time coursework. It should be very interesting Qual 3, Philosophy of Education, and an Independent-Pilot Study.  I have my work cut out for me this coming semester.  I have to remember to order books!  It feels like I have been out of school a very long time for some reason.  To tell you the truth everything feels like it was so long ago.  I have to remind myself it has only been 3 months but it feels like it has been twice that long. 

Speaking of time, a reflection if you will bear with me.  I want to tell everyone that patience is key to recovery, not just for us here in Tuscaloosa but for so many others around the country dealing with disasters.  We are a society of very inpatient, immediate gratification citizens, I don’t point fingers I just call it like I see it.  I wish this was like a movie or video game and in the blink of an eye everything is back to normal but in reality I don’t think this city will be back to normal for a few years.  Garbage pick-up, utility services, cable, transportation services, contractors, stores, etc. they are all overloaded still even 3 months out.  Try and be patient with us, we are working as fast as we can to recover! For those not affected by the disaster, yes we are still talking about it.  I think that is healthy, at least for now.  Now if I am still talking about this in a year you might need to tell me to shut up but for now we are positive, looking toward the future, and finding resources in our daily tornado chats.

Ok enough of that.  So, Bobby and I are doing well.  Actually very well all things considered.  We are still staying at the hotel, Bobby has had to work late most every evening since we signed on the house, and every evening we are over there doing something.  We are stressed, not talking very much but I think things will get better soon.  We are on auto pilot mode right now.  Overwhelmed, sleep deprived, and broke, but positive that things are getting back to normal; we can see it it’s just outside our reach but we can see it.

I had to go back to the orthopedic surgeon last week, my back finally gave out.  I knew it was going to happen, with sleeping on the floor, air mattresses, and a bad hotel mattress, not to mention all the bending and lifting. Megan went with me, which was great because I hate going. It wasn’t too bad 3 X-rays and a diagnosis of inflamed nerves. Not much to do but give me steroids and pain meds.  Too dangerous to do surgery near those rods and I am not even in the mood to contemplate another back surgery.  So Bobby got to enjoy me hulking out for a few days while I was on a serious dose of steroids to get the swelling down.  Yeh for him, ha!

Update on FEMA: not a damn thing!

Stay tuned for more on the house and our return to normal, here on the Becky soap-opera channel- queue cheesy music.

If your ever in a tornado

So here we are closing on a house Friday July 15^th. I haven’t even begun to think of how much money we will be spending in the next few weeks.  Closing cost, putting in a fence, replacing the old appliances, fixing the floors, and painting are all costs we are going to have to pay in just a week or two. No wonder so many people rent!  Gives me a panic attack just thinking about it.  Don’t get me wrong I am excited and can’t wait to get out of that horrible hotel room, but I have this feeling like the rugs going to be pulled out from under us at any minute.  Here at school we call that the imposter syndrome for all us graduate students who are secretly waiting for someone to find out that we really are not that smart and someone made a huge mistake accepting  us into a doc program (no joke we have a name for it).

So what can I tell you about the house?  Well, it’s a little smaller then our rental house but because it is just the two of us I don’t think we need as much room.  It has 4 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms.  It is a galley kitchen with a breakfast area.  A formal dining area and a living room with a fireplace; it’s a ranch style home so all one level.  The back yard is huge but mostly wild with a huge hill that drops to a creek (Bobby seems to be very excited about this, not sure why).  We are replacing the flooring in the living room, hall, and dining room.  The kitchen linoleum is all cut up so we are having to replace that.  The sellers had 3 little girls and boy did they do a number on the floor and walls; not to mention the guest rooms are all colored in hot pink, pastel yellow, and lime green.  We have a lot of painting to do.  The house was built in 1991 and the appliances are original, everything is gold in the house (yuck!) and there is not a complete fence in the back for the dogs.  Lots of appointments are needed to be made.  We are thinking we can get everything started next week and hopefully be sleeping under our new roof by next Saturday July 23^rd (fingers crossed). Now to remember where everything has been stored at, looking on the bright side we are not having to move as much stuff, an advantage of a tornado, it requires you to do a lot of purging.  My sweet sweet sweet hairdresser is giving us mattresses and a washer dryer so we are not having to cut that into our shrinking budget which is fabulous! Overall if we can make it past the next 2 weeks we might actually be hitting the downward slope to recovery!  Anyone have a four piece table set they want to get rid of?  Thought I would ask.

I will be starting my new job August 1^st.  I get to work from home mostly so that will be very strange.  I am worried I will get lonely being a people person; I will have to make sure I do not become a hermit.  I already have assignments to start working on, projects to develop, events to coordinate, and research to do, so no rest for the weary.  I am super excited about the new job but very sad to be leaving my current position.  I put so much into that program it will definitely be hard to say goodbye when the time comes.  Something about a tornado and the aftermath just made both Bobby and I reexamine our life and where it was heading.  I knew I had to change things for myself and for my career.

Bobby finally read the blog, I know right, way to stay informed there hubby (lol).  He has decided to take over the FEMA argument from me.  That’s probably the best thing; I might end up in jail for harassment. Maybe he can get somewhere with them.  Overall we calculated that we are still in the hole over $10,000 and can prove it; let’s see if FEMA even attempts to help with that, I am not holding my breath. 

The cars are still in and out of the shop but are working so that’s another wonderful thing.  Bobby is still driving the old truck right now, I am trying to get the body shop to give us a loaner so he can at least have air conditioning.  I worry he is going to have a heat stroke soon.  His truck will stay in the shop until its completely fixed and then mine will go back in to fix the remaining damages.  We have lost a lot of value in the cars and our insurance apparently doesn’t cover loss of value (that’s a separate policy).  So just a little hint, if you live in the state of Alabama, the $10 or so a month for an additional policy for loss of value on your vehicle might be worth it, just saying.

Experiencing Normal things for a change

You know after all this is over I need to write a book; it will entitled something like Not Your Parent’s Marriage: How to Survive a Young Marriage in a Divorcing World. (It most definitely has to have a colon).  I don’t know, just, I am so proud of us, we are working through all this in stride and learning more and more about each other every day.  Yes we have been together 8 years but still so much goes unnoticed until things like the tornado happen.  I guess in a way we are lucky, people can go their whole lives married to someone and not see who they truly are or what they are capable of in times of crisis.

Ok so random thoughts on paper, check.  Now what’s going on with us?  We have a Post office box which is nice, no more standing in line for an hour to check our mail each week.  I have become obsessed with coupons.  I quit my job.  We are still waiting on Bobby’s truck to get fixed, and we are finally starting to get to experience normal things like baby showers, haircuts, going to the movies. 

What...oh, quitting my job, yeh I figured you would catch that.  Yes I quit my job, come on you all knew it was coming, can you blame me. Ok well maybe not all of you knew it was coming but let’s just say that after re-examining my life this was not where I needed to be or wanted to be, or could even handle being.  I lasted so very long and I am proud of that, I am proud of what I accomplished there and I am proud of what I learned.  A great mentor once told me that everything is a learning experience.  Positive and Negatives.  Do not fret I am not suddenly unemployed, I was smart enough to wait it out until an opportunity arouse, and boy did it!  I am going to be truthful here I am leaving the world of full-time professional staff status (my friend pointed out I am still coping with this loss of status) and returning to the world of graduate student workmanship.   It’s a little different though, I get business cards, I get to work from home, I get to have an official title, and I get to be completely in charge of a very wonderful program on campus!  Its part-time, tuition paid, and even though techniquely I am taking a pay cut each month in my paycheck I am actually getting a pay raise because I don’t have to cover any of my tuition anymore.  Trying to find a couple thousand dollars each semester was really stripping that whole budget to bare bones. So, overall as Bobby and I figured, I am actually getting a pay raise of $300 a year (ha!).  I cried over this decision, I prayed over this decision, I asked all my friends, I even text one in Virginia because I decided that what her answer was going to be was the way I needed to go (kind of like the magic 8 ball).  It has been hard to add another change to my life but hey it’s worth it and in a month or two after I freak out about how little money we have in our checking account each month I think I will be ok. 

I know right now you are thinking wait! She is trying to buy a house, recover from tornado losses, and afford school.  Yeh I might be crazy but we are closing on a house July 15^th we have been approved and we already budgeted the mortgage payment into our monthly bills.  I mean when you have been paying rent for over 8 years it’s not that hard. We were responsible adults and refused to buy a house for $200,000.  We have gotten some back from the insurance company to help buffer the cost of replacing a lot of stuff and the UA donation was a big help to cover all the additional cost.  FEMA, well FEMA isn’t much help but I figured after I sent them the condemned report a few weeks back and said their inspector who thought the house was safe should revisit training- well I doubt they took that very kindly (what…it was therapy…I rather enjoyed sending that fax).

Hello Again, its been a while

Hello, it’s been a while.  I will be honest it got overwhelming.  Everything, insurance, hotel living, no car, bad car, more car damage, finding house, trying to find money, etc etc. was piling up along with school and work and I stopped communicating. I am better now although I have had to make a few adjustments to keep from getting overwhelmed again. 

I was trying to give you a synopsis week by week of what has happened since the tornado but at this point it all is starting to blur together.  I can say that 2 ½ months have gone by we are still in a hotel and still having our cars worked on.  We have made progress with the property portion of our claim and insurance is finally picking up the tab on our hotel bill so things have improved considerably. Physically and materialistically we are much much better but emotionally well that’s a whole other story.

We moved out of our friends’ house about 1 ½ weeks in not wanting to stay out our welcome and realizing that Bobby and I were not communicating as a married couple.  We were fighting, not speaking, not sharing, and getting angry with each other for not being telepathic.  Our friends who are wonderful (Jackson and Megan we love you dearly!) begged us to stay but for the sake of our marriage and the sake of our friendship we moved into what was probably the only hotel room left in town (at least by the cost that is what I would imagine).  We lived in this hotel room for about a week before we could be relocated to a bigger room with a fridge and microwave.  That’s where we are still to this day, spread out with piles of stuff in each corner.  You know those dressers and closet racks no one ever uses when on vacation because you just live out of a suitcase, yeh well we are actually using them, I fold clothes, hang clothes, organize shoes, for now its home.  It’s a little odd but it’s a normal routine that we were desperately seeking.

During the time between my last post and now we got a rental car for about 3 weeks while my car was in the shop and Bobby was able to still drive the truck around.  The money was donated to us by my mom’s work, they took up a collection.  We were overwhelmed with gratitude at the kindness they showed us.  The rental car helped a lot, I was able to run more errands, claim a little bit of freedom, and even travel home to see my family and our dogs.  It was all working out perfectly the rental car we thought would cover us until both cars were fixed and then we wouldn’t need any help with cars after that.  However the body shop had other plans, they had my car 5 weeks and still didn’t fix it, it’s still damaged but its drivable so out it went and in went the truck.  We desperately needed another vehicle.  My sweet sister-n-law was going to china around this time so we were hoping to use her car.  My in-laws had other plans for it and we were going to have to find other means.  I was going to have to start bumming rides again.  Finally our in-laws decided to loan us a car (they have like 5) sadly and almost poetically it was the old ford ranger that my husband drove for years before getting his truck.  The thing is on its last leg, brakes are bad, and no air conditioning. Bobby is a trooper really he is, he took it, didn’t complain and is now driving it back and forth about 120 miles a day to Birmingham.  It is the hottest summer on record, did I mention it doesn’t have air!  Your reading this thinking I am angry aren’t you?  Well I am not angry I am confused.  The truck might be done this week fingers crossed and then mine will go back in for (fingers crossed) only a week.  It will be so nice to have two reliable working vehicles again.  I know, silly Americans so dependent on our cars but really, its independence that comes with having a means of transportation.  Something we have been fighting to regain this whole time!

So what else can I tell you??... Our stuff is in a storage unit at a premium price right now, we are working full time and after a few nervous breakdowns and seeking medical help I was convinced to withdraw from classes this summer.  I still have panic attacks when I hear the test sirens and I cry when I drive through Alberta and 15^th street.  I have driven by the house on several occasions with a sense of longing.  I can’t sleep at all partly because of my back and the pain the rods are causing but partly because my mind is still racing at 100 mph.  I have dr. apts for all the above but like any good physicians office they can’t see me for 3 weeks.

It’s not all doom and gloom I promise.  We are so much better, each week it gets better.  I promise I am not this negative, usually people are always wondering how I can be so happy all the time (I usually smile and laugh and say medication, but really I have a very positive attitude most the time).  We do have some positive things to report.  We are getting a new home!  We were approved for a home loan for disaster victims and are now purchasing a home in Northport, AL.  We close July 15^th. We did get the insurance to pay for the cars, personal property, and the University donated money to our family to help with outside costs.  Our extended family (both mine and Bobby’s) and my parents have been absolutely fantastic and understanding and going out of the way to help us any way they can. I have so many thank you notes to write!  I am hoping to continue the blog more regularly, fill in some blanks, and keep everyone posted on the new place, and the new changes in our life.  So much to tell!

2 weeks after the storm

I wanted to say that when I started writing, it was from the beginning, things that I remember, wrote down at the time, and/or rehash over and over in my head.  I am hoping that at some point there will be an ending.  We are currently 5 week and 4 days out from the storm.  Granted we are still homeless, and one car down but we are sheltered, clothed, well fed, and have reliable transportation. We are working, going to school, and even finding time write a blog. The city is still badly damaged and as best I can describe it is that the local government, our community citizens, and local businesses are acting as a band aid holding this big gaping wound together.  I still cry most every day, sometimes twice a day. I drive through the damaged section several times a day, looking for any sign of new construction or clean-up.  AND as much as I hate to, I have to remind people that I am a survivor and still not up to 100 % yet.  I hate being vulnerable and I hate having to remind people but they forget so easily.

So back to the story I suppose.  Thank goodness we were still looking for rental houses when we found out the first one was rented out from under us. This next house was not as well suited for us but at this point we didn’t care, it was good enough. It did need a few things done to it before we could move in but the guy seemed willing to do this.  We started an application and planned on trying to get things moved in within 2 weeks or so.  The storage unit was rented so we were able to have a temporary place to store our belongings.  Finally, some peace for our busy minds, our concentration could go towards arguing with the insurance company, FEMA, and our leasing agent.  Here we were 2 weeks out and our insurance company had not contacted us at all about our belongings claims. 

The cars were still damaged.  Mine went to the body shop the Monday after the storm.  It would be 3 weeks before they could get to it and tell whether or not the frame was cracked making it impossible to repair.  I had no choice but to leave it there, it was not safe to drive.  It had been two weeks now since I left it with them and they still could not tell me if it was too badly damaged to repair. Bobby was back at work and had to take our one means of transportation to Birmingham each day so I was relying on rides to and from work.  Don’t get me wrong it was nice to have an excuse to be around people that loved and supported us but with the large amount of errands I needed to run each day while Bobby was in Birmingham I felt I might start testing the limit of my chauffeurs’ kindness.  We didn’t have the money for a rental car we made do with what we could.

Sometime during this week things went south at work for me. I would love to write a detailed account of it all but seeing as how I still need a job I can only say that the events that followed drove me to a nervous breakdown on an elevator at my building.  I was mortified; I felt like running away, I began to wonder what the job market was like in Colorado. I thought for sure I would end up unemployed, or even worse sent to the Looney Ben.  After several discussion with several of my bosses (yes I have like 5 of them) it was determined I would move to another building.  So here I am having to cope with a huge amount of change already and taking on one more huge change for the summer sent my psych splitting in several directions.  I know these people had to think by now I was absolutely out of my mind!  From this point out I was in a constant state of confusion, I didn’t know when I was moving, how my job would change, why no one was talking to me about each step, was I being punished, was I being helped, what had I done wrong, what did I need to do to prepare, what was going to happen to stuff, what would my new work home look like.  Oh god I couldn’t sleep, all I could think about was work, I had my life falling apart around me and all I could think about was doing my job and what was going to happen to me there.

So all this was going on with work, we were living at a friend’s house on an air mattress.  We were down to one car but we were positive we would be able to sign a lease within a few days for a new rental house.  We were weary of the house, it wasn’t anything like our old house, it was more expensive, and it was in a completely different location. So for the love of god why did we go to the bank!  I look back on some of these decisions and think, am I glutton for punishment, am I trying to have myself committed?  We went to the bank, we thought what the hell, here we are going to have to pay a larger rental payment for a smaller house and we had already been treated as second class citizens because we were renters what is the harm in just talking with someone.  So there we were sitting at the bank talking with a loan officer about applying for a mortgage with the FHA program for disaster victims.  After the countless times we had tried before I assumed it would be like any other time, we would be told no.  My student loans were too high, the credit scores were not high enough to compensate, etc. etc. etc. I braced myself for the bad news, thinking why am I putting myself through this.  The bad news didn’t come; the loan officer seemed hopeful, confident that we could get a loan.  I was in a state of euphoria; I didn’t know what to think.  Here we were ready to sign a lease, we knew we would be in Tuscaloosa at least 3 to 4 more years and we just threw another wrench in the pile.  We gave the loan officer all our information and said we would compile the necessary paperwork as soon as possible.  We had to make the biggest decision of our marriage within a matter of hours.  Should we go ahead with trying for  home loan and lose what we felt was probably the only opportunity we had to find suitable housing or should we just sign the lease and put this one time chance out of our minds. Stay tuned for the next episode of drama in south…..3 weeks after the storm.

PS.  I am sure so many of you were very worried about our local Starbucks like I was.  I am happy to inform you that after about 6 weeks of no store they are finally back open.  They were very diligent in serving their customers from a trailer and I thank them profusely for doing so.

Still Refugees

Days turned into a whole week as we searched for housing and spent god awful amount of time on hold with the insurance company, FEMA, our leasing agent, etc.  Our insurance wanted to know what was being done with the house, our leasing agent had to know what their insurance was going to say.  It went round and round in circles like this for days.

At this point much of Tuscaloosa was trying to get back to normal and the University was in full swing.  Bobby and I returned to work the following week to find mostly warm receptions and support.  We felt terrible for not being at work and even worse when people wanted us to track our time once we returned.  So many people we work with or encounter on a daily basis were not affected by the storm, many didn’t even know what had happened to Tuscaloosa. I understand we had to push forward and keep going but I wasn’t ready, I wasn’t prepared to leave all those memories behind just yet.  I felt I was in a twilight zone, I was told my personal problems should not get in the way of work, I was told that we must move forward and not let this hinder progress, I felt I was the only sane person there who understood the devastation that lay just blocks away from my place of employment. Driving through it every day not being able to find my way to the work on the roads I normally took because the landmarks were gone and I was lost was constant and real for me, I couldn’t comprehend how others could dismiss the tragedy.  I was angry, appalled, and saddened by the lack of sympathy that so many showed toward this tragedy.  Don’t get me wrong, the University as a whole has been amazing and the level of support from so many departments have been outstanding and encouraging.  Isn’t that why we are here?  We are the community right?  I had hoped so, that’s why I work here; I just wish everyone felt like that.

Trying to maintain control over my job responsibilities and my independence was very hard that first week returning to work.  I wanted to share everything with everyone but I also had this feeling of being exposed and dependent.  I didn’t realize how private a person I really was or how much I value my independence until it was all taken away from me.  I wanted so badly to share everything with everyone when they seemed so concerned about me yet I also desperately wanted my privacy.  So much conflict internally and externally my psych was crumbling.  I cried every day for hours, sometimes because of nothing at all, sometimes because of a thought, and then sometimes by something someone said. Everything was moving to slow and to fast at the same time nothing was getting fixed but nothing was getting worse.  Again being in the twilight zone was all I kept thinking about, this wasn’t real it was all a dream.

The week passed and we had not found a storage unit nor a home to rent.  We had been looking and had leads on rental houses but nothing was working out.  So many of the properties were destroyed and others not available until August.  We found one house that was perfect, it was huge, we could have Bobby’s siblings live with us for another year and we all could save money.  I liked the idea of not being alone, I had come to be very dependent on people being around every hour of the day.  We were going to sign a lease and be able to move in 2 weeks later.  Hurray things were looking up!  I called back on Monday to tell the agent we were headed down to bring the deposit.  The agent with no empathy or care told us that sorry someone rented it this morning.  How could this have happened we were bringing the deposit down on Monday we told him we would, how could he just rent it out from under us.  What had the world come to!  He said an insurance company called that morning and put a full deposit and a few months rent down on the house, didn’t even want to see it.  I was so angry, heartbroken.  We thought we had a plan, an ending to this story, but no we were still homeless, still refugees in a civilized nation.

Fumbling in the dark

As we visited the house each day volunteer after volunteer approached us asking if they could help, what we needed, etc.  Bobby and I were at a loss for words the majority of the time and could only say, nothing we were fine, because honestly we didn’t know what we needed.  Finally after some coaxing one volunteer determined we needed help getting our belongings packed up and that we needed moving supplies.  I agreed to accept them and told her we would be back the next day to start packing. Arriving at the house the next morning we came up to find a small army of teenagers from the church down the street waiting to help box up all our belongings that survived.  We were touched and overwhelmed all at the same.  I didn’t know where to tell them to start so I just told them to pack what they could, I didn’t care how it was packed just that it needed to be packed and moved out.  Again our belongings were sheltered in the two rooms we felt were secure enough to hold everything until they could be moved to a better location.

We were drawing near to our wits ends by the time we found a storage unit to put our belongings in.  Oh the cost!  At this point in the story insurance had been hit or miss.  FEMA decided our house could not be deemed unsafe or uninhabitable, later the city would condemn it, that’s government for you.  Our cars had been assessed and checks were written.  Both, it seems could be fixed but the time it would take would be weeks.  I had no choice but to give mine up to the body shop, it was not drivable.  Bobby’s truck however we held on to as our only means of transportation.  Apparently rental cars were not covered in my auto insurance, something I didn’t know and would have gladly been paying for. We had yet to find a house to rent and we felt time was running out before the bad weather would arrive again.  Finally my father made a decision to come back up once again with a covered trailer.  He would get all he could and take it back to Opelika.  As we loaded box after box in the trailer I finally felt a sense of ease.  My belongings were going to be safe at home with my parents.  It is silly but they were all I had left I wanted them to stay unharmed. As I think back on it I wonder how much of it survived the frenzied packing and the hurried loading. I suppose I will find out one day.

The week that followed

The first weeks after the tornado are mostly a blur now but here is what I remember:

The day after the tornado my mother, father, sister, brother-in-laws, sister-in-law, two close friends and one of their fathers set out to uncover the cars from the garage.  I don’t know why we decided that was what needed to be done but it was as good a place to start as any.  The cars were buried under 3 large pine trees and layers of ceiling.  The insulation was everywhere; we were breathing it, wearing it, and at one point eating it.  It took 7 men to get the cars out and one very large pick-up truck.  To our surprise they both cranked up and we were able to back them out.  To my devastation my car, my baby, the thing that I cherished the most was so badly damaged it looked like it had been in a 3 car pile-up.  Bobby’s brand new truck looked well in a word pathetic but it was drivable and fixable.

The cars were finally free and the majority of our energy was spent.  Everyone was sunburned and dehydrated but there was so much more to be done.  We didn’t know what to do about the roof the trees were still sticking out of the house and tarps would be impossible to get on until the trees were taken out however it was very obvious climbing on them or entering the house at that area was extremely unsafe.

With the help of my family and friends we began packing more necessity items like clothes and toiletries that we could find that were not covered in glass or water damaged.  We ended up filling 2 suitcases and a basket full of clothes to take with us in Bobby’s truck.  The rest was divided into what we wanted to save and what could be left behind.  Our most valuable items that survived (pictures, jewelry, electronics, and documents) were to go with my parents back to Opelika for safe keeping the rest stayed in the house. Windows were boarded up and I started to deadbolt the doors (for the life of me I am not sure why, it wasn’t going to stop someone from coming in).

The next thing was to assess the furniture and what survived the initial storm and what did not.  We are very lucky a lot of our items survived but for how long we didn’t know.  There were open holes everywhere and the good weather would not hold for too many more days.  We decided to tarp what we could and leave it.

The day had its ups and downs with happy moments and a lot of sad moments as we realized what was lost and who was lost in our neighborhood.

We spent the first 5 days after the tornado at a friend of a friend’s house with all 4 adults sharing a room and bathroom.  We took comfort that we were all together and we felt separation anxiety when we were apart.  I look back on it and think that if it had not been for Jackson and Megan I would not be able to strongly push forward as I am today.  Our friends all of them here in Tuscaloosa and far away mean so much to us and they have been nothing but wonderful.  Our family, from the countless day trips to the phone calls to the offerings they have given are what has helped Bobby and I the most and we are forever in debt to all of you!

From the beginning

Wednesday April 27^th will be forever ingrained in my mind not as the day after my wedding anniversary to what I believe to be the best man in the world but as the day that I survived an EF 4 tornado that came ripping through my neighborhood.  What we later found was that the center of the tornado came no more than 100 yard from the house and if it had not been for the trees that fell first the house would have been taken away like so many more on our street.  What saved us were those stupid pine trees that we had been complaining about all these years.  We were not prepared, there was no mattress over our heads, no weather radio on.  We like many others were almost in a state of denial that this was a real serious situation that warranted our need to seek shelter.  However the 5 most horrifying minutes of my life happened and one fatal moment our lives have been forever changed and our character as human beings has been tested.  We survived the storm to find the house in shambles around us.  We thought we were lucky still being able to count the 4 hall walls around us but little did we know what lay beyond those walls.  The house had been moved off its foundations and outside walls were crumbling including the garage which held our cars captive.  Outside the smell of gas and sewage became overwhelming as we scrambled around trying to help our neighbors account for everyone in the neighborhood.  It was terrifying, it was a nightmare.  What I can now say, it was as if my one little neighborhood in Tuscaloosa AL had witnessed a bomb and we were now all refugees trying to survive. We didn’t know where to go or what to do, communication was limited to the outside world.  Finally we heard familiar voices outside after huddling inside the hall again fearing more storms were approaching.  Our friends had found us! They came running into the house hoping to find us unharmed and safe.  We quickly said hello for we needed to leave the house soon, night was falling and it was not safe.  We ran through the rooms with glass nicking our feet as we went trying to throw together a bag with what personal items remained so we could start the long trek to an usable vehicle about a mile away.  As we left the house, animals on leashes, flashlights in hand, and bags thrown over our shoulders we became confused and disoriented for the landmarks were gone and we could not tell which direction we were suppose to head in.  After several minutes of walking in the dark with so many others just like us by our side the neighborhood began to redefine and familiar outlines started to emerge.  As devastating as it was to walk through the disaster area I have to say that  it was just as overwhelming to come across the section of town untouched as if nothing had happened only a few hours before.

What happened in the days that followed can only be described as grief mixed with a disorganized chaos.  We had nowhere to live, we had no way of getting the stuff that survived out of the ruble, we had no way of comprehending what to do next.  As we tried to wrap our heads around the gravity of the situation we were fighting with our instincts to continue our normal routine by working or paying bills etc.  This fight with reality and what seemed to be disillusion continued for days before family finally took over and started telling us what we needed to do and how to do it.  Our basic decision making skills were gone.

I am not looking for handouts nor am I looking for sympathy when writing all this down.  I need to write it down before I forget it.  To understand what I went through and how I handled it.  My emotions are flowing through me so forcefully that if I don’t get this out I might cause more harm than good.

Emotions of guilt, sorrow, sadness, and even anger are emerging on a day to day bases even after 1 month has passed.  I work because it is a familiar normality that I have the luxury of having unlike so many others still in a state of chaos.  My husband and I are forced to go back to the home that is no longer ours each week because of FEMA, insurance, etc causing a surge of emotions to come flowing out.  We have been met with so many different reactions from people in our lives that I have become numb and no longer surprised with others reactions.

To those that continue to tell me it could have been worse: Yes, you are absolutely right and my husband and I tell each other that every day but for us for the reality of it all, things are about as worse as we can handle and I speak for all of us survivors when I say that statement is not helping one bit.

To those that dismiss us because we are renters: Yes, you are right we can pick up and move on, just like the countless homeowners that are doing so right now as I am informed by my reality agent.  Yes we rented we lived in that house 5 years.  We celebrated our marriage, 2 graduations, birthdays, new hires, promotions, and holidays.  We coped with funerals, lost love ones, and life’s unfortunate turns.  Five years we did this, we hung pictures, painted walls, landscaped, changed fixtures, and created a space that was ours.  That house was our home and we lost it whether we rented or not we have suffered a lose.

To those that have been busy and do not understand what has happened here: It’s ok, we understand, life happens and sometimes we don’t have the time or ability to understand what is happening in front of us let alone in someone else’s backyard.  I only have this to stay, be patient with us we are suffering and we are going to need a lot of time to recover.

To those that expect me to be 100% by now: Believe me I want to be but I can’t.  Some days are better than others, some days are horrible.  I am dealing with it, for the most part privately because that is who I am but don’t forget. This happened!

As for now my husband and I are making the best decisions we can for what is best for our family.  Believe me we have been offered tons of advice, opinions, and options which all in all is better then having none of those things.  We working through all of them.  We are safe, well feed, and have a roof over our heads.